Mom is heading home...

The call came at 7:00 PM...

"Jim? This is sister Rose Marie. Your mother just died."

I was down at Manhattan Harbor - a large riverside complex of boats and party barges, and a large bar / restaurant / nightclub right on the river. I had just finished setting up and wiring my keyboards for the show I was playing with DV8. My brain when into work mode: Who do I need to call? Did anyone find mom's bequeathal form? What are the next steps???

I was able to get in contact with the funeral home, and they were to take care of everything at this point. Sister Rose Marie found the body donation form - my mother's wish was to donate her body to the University of Cincinnati School of medicine, and the nursing home was given a copy - so that part was taken care of. Hodapp took care of transporting the body. All was in motion the way it should be.

Next my brain when into survival mode. I've come to learn that everyone handles death and grieving differently, and the way you deal with it has a direct relationship to your past experiences. As I had mentioned a few posts ago, my father died when I was 21 (that's 25 years ago) after suffering for 11 years with 3 heart attacks and 3 strokes. I always viewed his death as a blessing because he truly became a shell of his former self. My wife's mother on the other hand died at age 57 from complications due to Lung Cancer. Hers was a life cut way too short, and she left my wife without her mother and my wifes kids without their grandmother at a very young age - there was something so wrong about that in my mind. My mother on the other hand was 86 - she lived an incredible life and, as you will read in an upcoming blog entry, she did so many great things during her lifetime.

Mom's death was to me - like dad's before - a release of pain and suffering and a restoration of dignity. Perhaps I look at their passing this way because of my faith in God and my belief that there is a place for us after our life on this Earth. I never cried about my fathers death, and today I don't cry about my mother's passing - I believe they have been reunited as husband and wife, now together forever in the after-life. It's everything mom wanted since dad died in 1985 and when we talked about it, it was the one thing she was looking forward to when the time came. 

The other bonus for me is this - despite the fact that I was my parents only child, and now both of my parents are gone, I don't feel alone. This is because of the wondrous woman I have found in Jennifer, my wife. Ephesians 5:31 states, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh." Jennifer is my life, and because of her I am not alone in this world. Of course I have my friends - many great friends, some with whom I play music, and others that I've known from my prior employment, playing ice hockey, or other things I've done around Cincinnati - but my wife and three wonderful step kids have become my life and my focus. As long as Jennifer is here, I am not alone. I thank God for her, and I thank my mother for supporting and guiding me when I found Jennnifer.

So with the news of my mother's passing coursing through my body, I had to make a decision. 30 minutes until DV8 (great friends and a great band, with whom I was filling in for their current keyboardist who was on vacation at the time) took the stage, I had to decide to leave or stay. There was some sadness in my heart. There was much relief in my heart. So I thought to myself, "Who was my mother and what was her focus for me when she raised me to be the man I am today?"

I can't begin to chronicle the amount of time my father and mother spent with me regarding my musical pursuits. My father - until he had his first stroke when I was 10 - would sit with me in the dinning room and force me to practice. After father took ill, my mother still found ways to get me to performances, became my booking agent, secured bus tickets and airline tickets, hotel reservations (Good Lord, that trip to Disney Land and my performance on the New Mickey Mouse Club when I was 12 had to be the most difficult thing she ever did, considering she was also caring for my stricken father) - she did everything in her power to make sure I could nurture and improve my talents. In many ways, to pack up and sit at home doing nothing would have been a slap in the face for all she had done for me while I was growing up.

So I decided to stay and play the show.

I certainly wasn't the life of the party by any means. I was singularly focused on my playing - playing for her (and for my own personal sanity) - giving whatever my fingers and voice would allow me to do, understanding all the while that it was because of her (and my God-given talents) that I was even able to play music at all, and something that I love to do.

Many musicians that I spoke with that night, including Melissa Singer-Reed (one incredible vocalist and an even better human being), and Mike Oakley (hands down the most gifted guitarist I've ever had the pleasure of working with and a blessing to me both spiritually and as a friend) - they all understood my motivation for wanting to play. Besides honoring mom's memory and her sacrifice, music is my therapy. Instead of Zoloft or Prozac, playing music allows me to comb through my minds confusion and make sense of this crazy world and the twists and turns that are a part of life on Earth.

So in the span of mere moments, I felt sadness, loss, relief, joy, comfort - and in the end - peace. Mom is in a wonderful place with dad. They have been reunited and can now spend eternity making up for the 25 years that sickness and death kept them apart. They so much loved each other, and it was so evident in the way mom cared for dad for the decade he was ill.

In then end, I take the following facts with me now: My parents took the musical gift that God gave me and nurtured it into something that will sustain me for a lifetime - maybe not financially, but certainly psychologically. In turn, God has also sent me the gift of a wonderful, understanding wife in Jennifer and her three awesome kids who I've grown to love as my very own flesh and blood. And lastly, God has graced me with a pool of friends that cannot be measured, so many that I could never list them all - people that I've touched through my music, and they in turn have touched me with their smiles and laughter and well wishes. My friends and musical cohorts from Wellspring Community Church, the Bad Habit Band, and DV8 just to name a few - there are so many more musicians and friends, it feels to me like the first time you look into a moonless night sky way out in the country and you realize how many stars there are above you - every star a friend that has wished me well.

So thank you all for your support during this difficult two weeks. You have prayed for me, and I believe God has answered those prayers. My heart is full because of his grace, and the incredible friendship you all have offered. I believe and truly pray that your gift is returned to you and amplified so many more times.

May God bless you all.  :)

-  Jim  -